Few threads are as vibrant and enduring as love. Dr. Linda Miles, a psychologist with decades of experience, shared with me a deeply personal story that illuminates the power of love to transcend even the most challenging of circumstances – dementia.
As Dr. Miles approaches her 35th wedding anniversary, she finds herself in an unexpected situation. Her husband, Robert, is no longer physically present to celebrate with her. Yet, in her heart, she knows he would want her to commemorate their love story.
Robert, a former basketball player turned brilliant psychiatrist, was described by Linda as an “incorrigible romantic.” This gentle giant, with his emotional depth, constantly challenged the stereotype of the stoic male. Their relationship was a dance of mutual adoration, with playful debates about who was the greater romantic between them.
In February 2023, after a long battle with dementia, Robert passed away. For two years prior, Linda, with the support of her family, cared for him at home. She witnessed the heartbreaking progression of the disease as it gradually erased Robert’s memories – of events, places, people, and eventually, even of Linda herself.
Yet, in a twist that speaks to the profound nature of love, Robert’s feelings for Linda remained intact, even as his memories faded. Dr. Miles’ experience aligns with the groundbreaking research of biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher. Fisher’s studies suggest that our brains are wired for love, with specific neural circuitry devoted to romantic attachment. Her MRI scans of people in love, including those who had been together for decades, showed brain activity similar to that of teenagers experiencing their first crush.
Linda saw this phenomenon play out in real time with Robert. Even when he couldn’t remember her name or their shared history, his face would light up when she entered the room. He responded to her touch better than anyone else’s and would raise his supplement bottle in a toast to her – a gesture of affection that transcended memory.
In a moment that perfectly encapsulates their enduring bond, Robert once confided in Linda that he had been watching her around the “facility” (a memory from their early days working together in a mental health center) and felt strongly attracted to her. He proposed marriage, unaware that they had already shared 35 years. Linda, moved by the sincerity and love in his eyes, agreed to this second proposal.
They renewed their vows in a touching ceremony, with their pastor son officiating and Robert supported by his best friend. This moment, surrounded by family and friends, stood as a testament to the power of their love – a force strong enough to withstand the ravages of dementia.
In Robert’s final moments, they sat together at home, hand in hand, listening to opera. He passed peacefully to the strains of Andrea Bocelli’s “Time to Say Goodbye” – a poignant farewell to their shared life.
Dr. Miles’ story serves as a powerful reminder that while dementia may steal memories and identities, it cannot erase the essence of love. Robert may have forgotten names and faces, but he never forgot how to love. His consistent actions, driven by deep emotion and devotion, proved that love truly is all that matters.
This tale of enduring romance in the face of devastating illness offers hope and comfort to those facing similar challenges. It reminds us that love is not just about shared memories or recognized faces – it’s a force that resides in the very core of our being, capable of shining through even when all else seems lost.
Dr. Miles not only honors her husband’s memory but also provides a beacon of light for others navigating the complex journey of loving someone with dementia. Her experience affirms that even in our most vulnerable states, we retain our capacity for love – perhaps the most fundamental aspect of our humanity.
Published by: Martin De Juan
