June 18, 2023, is Father’s Day. On this special day of celebration, we honor and appreciate all the remarkable fathers who have embraced the beautiful journey of parenthood, including those who have chosen the path of adoption.
Father’s Day serves as a heartfelt reminder that the definition of a dad extends far beyond biology, encompassing the immense love, dedication, and unwavering support provided by adoptive fathers. These extraordinary individuals have opened their hearts and homes, selflessly stepping into the role of a father figure, and making a profound impact on the lives of their children.
Mike King, dentist, stand-up comic, and author of the book Dad Spelled Backward: A Journey Through the Maze of Love, Marriage, and Adoption, joins us to share what he’s learned about being an adoptive dad on this Father’s Day.
What made you decide to adopt a child, and how has the experience changed your life as a father?
Mike King: Two words, “the wife.” The wife didn’t want to try IVF or surrogacy. That didn’t leave us a lot of options. I am forever grateful that we went with her choice. It was life changing and more importantly life affirming. Once you’re a dad, you realize there is nothing more important than being a good one. Your child affects your life in the most profound ways as you try to figure out how best to prepare them for what lies ahead, the good and the bad. My sister said she’s as happy as her least happy child. I’m finding that to be true.
Can you share any memorable moments from the adoption process or the first days after bringing your child home?
Mike King: Looking back it feels like I’m almost watching a movie that I somehow got casted in. A movie filled with drama, conflict and most of all love. I’ll never forget the look on my wife’s face when she held our daughter for the first time. It was as if she had won every lottery than was ever held. The first few days for me was mostly a lot of staring at this new life that somehow just appeared in our house. I learned a valuable lesson on handing back our baby to my wife after only an uncomfortable minute of holding her and that you never, ever say: “Please take it.” Her, you need to say, her.
How did you prepare yourself emotionally to become an adoptive father, and what advice would you give to other dads considering adoption?
Mike King: You can’t. Maybe you think you can, but nothing quite prepares you for the reality of it. Just enjoy every moment. Take it all in. Even now looking back, it’s a gift that keeps on giving.
What challenges did you face as an adoptive dad, and how did you overcome them?
Mike King: Probably the same challenges of every parent. However, “where I came from” questions come up now and then. I did think about being one of those parents that waits until you’re on your deathbed to confess to your child, “Oh, by the way, you’re adopted,” and then you’re gone. That’s probably not the way you want to go. There are some great children’s books, like the one by Jamie Lee Curtis, that breaks the news for you. We were pretty open about it. We have a closed adoption, that means no requirement to communicate with the birth parents. However, knowing our daughter she’ll probably want to interrogate the birth mom at some point when she’s older.
How did you explain the concept of adoption to your child, and how have you helped them navigate their own identity and heritage?
Mike King: The books out there are really helpful. She recently asked for one of those ancestry tests. For a day or two she boasted that she was part Scottish and British. She even developed a British accent.
What are some of the unique joys and rewards that come with being an adoptive father?
Mike King: I don’t think it’s any different from being a birth father. Although, we had to work harder to get there than most parents. Sex, pregnancy, child, it’s done. Add to that dozens of other people getting involved and you get the picture.
How have you built a strong bond and connection with your adopted child, and what activities or traditions do you enjoy together?
Mike King: I made her Jewish and I also made my wife Jewish. I guess I’m a Jewish maker. I’m not religious, but I like the idea of tradition and family gatherings. So that was a discussion we had before the adoption, that we would raise our child Jewish. I think that’s an important discussion you need to have with or without adoption, unless it’s implied. You’re creating a lot of her likes and dislikes so you need to be careful. I’m a children’s dentist so I like to do kid things. So I’m always dragging her to fairs, festivals, anything I think a kid would enjoy. It gets much harder now that she’s a teenager. Luckily my hearing is going, so I don’t hear as much complaining.
Have you encountered any misconceptions or stereotypes about adoption as a father, and how do you address them?
Mike King: From talking to other parents with adoptive and non- adoptive children in the same household, we knew there was no difference. But once you’re into it, you realize you couldn’t love your child any more than you do. Once in a while your ego wonders what your genes would have produced, but I wouldn’t in a million years change the ways things worked out. There is always that one relative, usually a cousin, who acts like an idiot in most matters including adoption.
What role has your extended family played in supporting your journey as an adoptive dad, and how have they embraced your child?
Mike King: It would have been more difficult to do it without them. All of them are extremely supportive and at this point never bring it up, except maybe that “idiot” cousin. Yes, I still love him even though he can be an idiot at times. Hey, that’s family.
How do you celebrate Father’s Day as an adoptive father, and what does this day mean to you and your family?
Mike King: The first few years were so special. When someone calls you dad it never gets old as does the celebration of that.
What values or life lessons do you hope to instill in your child as they grow up, and how does adoption play a role in shaping those lessons?
Mike King: We’re very big on being kind, charitable and respectful and our daughter gets an A plus in those departments. Complaining, not listening, being messy on the other hand, not so much. Adoption makes you appreciate how lucky you are to be a parent, even with the complaining etc. etc. Besides, they already hold your heart in their hands, so you can’t do anything about it.
Have you faced any unique parenting challenges or experiences related to adoption that you didn’t anticipate beforehand?
Mike King: Not really. However, I don’t go out of my way to say our daughter is adopted. I don’t even say, “when we got her”, it’s still “when we had her.” Is that bad? Besides, it’s insignificant at this point. She’s ours and will always be.
How do you talk to your child about their adoption story, and how have you navigated any difficult questions or emotions that arise?
Mike King: Write a book, even a small one. We answer all her questions or at least as much as we know. Again, all those questions we can’t answer she still may have will have to wait. That’s the deal in a closed adoption. We heard from the birth mother in the first few years, but nothing in the last several. At this point she may not want to be contacted. It will be interesting to see what our daughter does once she turns 18.
What advice would you give to other adoptive dads who are currently on their adoption journey or are considering taking that step?
Mike King: Hang in there dad to be, it’s worth it no matter how hard it gets. You’ll be so glad you did!
How have you involved your child in celebrating their adoption day or creating new traditions that honor their unique story?
Mike King: Sadly, we have not. In fact I never thought about it before. Since we got her pretty much on day one it hasn’t come up. Now you’re making me feel guilty.
Can you share any heartwarming or touching moments that have reaffirmed your decision to adopt and become a father?
Mike King: When the process went south for us, the sense of loss made us realize that this was something we so desperately needed.I talk about this in great detail in Dad Spelled Backward. It’s serious, it’s funny, it brings up all the emotions that come into play when you’re going through the adoption process. Anyway looking to adopt or in the process would get a great deal of help and support reading it.
How has being an adoptive dad shaped your perspective on family, love, and the meaning of fatherhood?
Mike King: Definitely, being a dad has. I think if you’re a great dad, it trickles down to how you treat others. But even if you miss fatherhood, you can be that great uncle, godfather to a friend’s child, or whatever it is you need to do. You can get some of those same feelings without having to pay for college.
What hopes and dreams do you have for your child’s future, and how do you envision your role as their father in supporting and guiding them?
Mike King: That’s she’s happy, healthy, kind, loved and feels fulfilled. Hey, when it comes down to it that’s success, the rest is all smoke and mirrors. Whatever she needs, I’ll be here for her until my final breath.
What made you decide to write your book, Dad Spelled Backward?
Mike King: It’s a love story I wanted to share. It was my way of reminding people of what’s important in life.
Thanks for talking with us today, Mike.
As we celebrate fathers everywhere, we join in special acknowledgment for the invaluable contributions of adoptive dads, recognizing their boundless love and the immeasurable strength it takes to create a nurturing environment where their children can thrive.
About Dr. Mike King, comedian and pediatric dentist, has built his practice in an unusual way: to relax the kids, he incorporates comedy and magic tricks into his treatment. He has written two children’s books, Flossopher and the Brushing Trees and Enamel the Camel. Entertaining is in Mike’s blood: His dad owned Sid King’s Crazy Horse Bar in Denver, Colorado. In the 1970s and ’80s, it was one of the most popular burlesque houses West of the Mississippi, so it was just a matter of time before Mike began to perform for grown–ups. In the comedy-club circuit he’s known as “The Fifth Dentist”—you know—“Four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum.” Mike appears regularly at Broadway Comedy Club, New York Comedy Club, and Gotham Comedy Club. His musical, The Lap Dance Kid, is in production, and he’s also written a one-man show. Mike’s greatest joy is spending time with his wife and their daughter. They live in New York City. For more information, visit www.MikeKingWrites.com.
